usually when i write on here its about my horses or my trips, im not sure why i avoid the other parts of my life. isnt the point of a blog to clear your mind and work out what ever problems you are having?
everyone around me is getting married and having children and honestly i am very happy for them, but its pretty depressing. never would i have thought i would be 23 and single and living back at home. i always wanted to get married young and start a family. i feel like im running out of time.... i made some decisions in the past to put my career first and i dont regret them i just wish i could have found a way to have both a career and a family.
im really paranoid about ending up with someone like my father. the old saying that you marry your dad scares me to death. i could find a million reasons as to why im so guarded when it comes to relationships..... all you have to do is take a look at my mom and sisters to see why im lacking in the trust department. my mother is still married to my dad who cheated on her and treats her horribly just because she is afraid to be alone. pam hates men in general because of how her father treated our mom and because of that she has been alone for as long as i can remember. and then there is vicki, who has been married three times.... each one to abusive losers, just because her need to not be alone is so overwhelming that she panics and marrys the first guy to come along.
ive been pretty lucky with the guys ive dated but at the first sign of trouble i run to the hills, maybe ive grown out of that but there is no way to know considering that the last three 'relationships' ive been in have mostly been over the phone..... which makes it easy for me to keep my distance emotionally and physically. it seems i meet 2 kinds of guys; the first kind is too excited when they hear how often i travel.... "having a girlfriend in town for 6 days a month is awesome" .....well they have always ended up cheating on me and the second kind swear they will learn to deal with me being gone, that starts off good but eventually comes the call "come home now or we are done, you just dont have enough time for me".
im not sure how/if that will ever change, and now that i plan on being on the road even more will it make it more difficult? not that its possible for me to get more alone..... dont you hit a point where you know you are as alone as humanly possible? i barely see my friends, i cant tell you the last time i was kissed, the only people i talk to face to face on a regular basis are my mother and the mailman...... when did my life get like that? i used to be around people all the time, i know that i dont have time and do make an effort to see the few friends i have left in my town when im home but even that doesnt take away the lonely feeling.
well, i decided to write about the first thing that came to my mind and thats what came out..... i opened the flood gates and the rambling began................
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